What am I doing here?

Let's get real for a minute - I have no idea what I am doing here. Anxiety? Check. Imposter syndrome? Double check. Experience of depression? Yep. That last one - experience of depression is something I have only recently come to realise. And it's a terrifying realisation. I had no idea at the time.

"But I am a strong person, I have been through so much, I can't have depression", the thoughts that briefly crossed my mind. Then I would continue with the routine of my day, throwing myself into work. Earning myself three promotions in less than 12 months. I couldn't possibly be depressed. My job defined me.

In hindsight (what a wonderful thing this is), I was so down. I had thoughts crossing my mind like "No one will miss me. I don't really add much value. What am I even doing here? I shouldn't be here." These thoughts were so logical. They were rationalised. They made such perfect sense.

Of course, they were unhealthy thoughts. I absolutely would have been missed. I add SO MUCH value. I was just looking for answers in the wrong places. I was around the wrong people and I was slowly falling into a black hole of absolute darkness.

I don't actually know why I am here. I have googled "What is the meaning of life" and "Why am I here" so many times in moments of despair. I still don't know the answer completely.

Here is half an answer for you: I'm here to make sure no one feels like I did at my lowest point.

I am not sure how this will happen, if I can even help. My story is a LONG one, a complicated one, an imperfect one. I have been unkind and had unkind things done to me. It's not easy to face up to these things. It's much easier to blame yourself and get angry and push people away. Trust me, I have done it all.

What is very difficult is saying, I need help. I need support. I am struggling. I want to change but I have NO IDEA how.

No one knows how to be a better person, a better friend, partner, colleague, daughter, wife, mother. The simple fact that you are trying is enough. You also don't have to go it alone. Reach out to people. Be prepared that some may still be angry at you for past behaviour. Be ready to do the work. Once you get to the other side, you can see the light and it's an absolute relief. It won't always be great, but that's life! It will be better though.

If you want to talk, I'm always here!

Lots of love

Kim xx